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Article:

BANK GANG

LEAVE COPS

CLUELESS

EXCLUSIVE


by Robbie Fraser


THE future of Scotland Yard’s Chief is once again plunged into uncertainty after one of the most audacious robberies in the capital’s history failed to provide and (any?) leads.

The investigation, Detectives admit, has stalled after only a matter of day and the Forensic Science Service have been unable to furnish the investigators with any meaningful evidence.

DCI Lestrade looked visibly shaken and tense in a press conference that disintegrated into a farce as he was unable to provide any meaningful

DCI Lestrade looked visibly shaken and tense in a press conference that disintegrated into a farce as he was unable to provide any meaningful answers.

The lack of any worthwhile leads is a cause for serious embarrassment for the Yard, and Lestrade is bearing the public brunt of this utter failure.

The taxpayer-funded shambles is another slap to the public face, as career criminals can walk in and out of banks taking our money with impunity.

While any decent citizen would expect the Police Force to deal with such a massive crime with an iron determination and winged speed, the sordid truth is that they are not lit for purpose.

As the Police scramble blindly for more clues, the perpetrators of this daring heist are tonight laughing into their champers, quaffing their caviar between chortles of mirth, splitting their sides at the utter ineptitude of DCI Lestrade and his team.

To measure it in football terms, this lot are Accrington Stanley. Who are they? Exactly!

After the shambolic press conference, we got in touch with the lilly-livered keystone cops to try and find out for you, our readers, what exactly was going to be done about this criminal blight?

And they did get back to us. You won’t believe what they said.

"We are unsure as to our next move."


Article:

THAMES TO BECOME

WATERY MOTORWAY

A new plan tabled by the current Mayor of London to turn the Thames into a bustlies water-looged version of the M25 has hit rush-hour traffic as reaction has been damper than a dip in the rat-infested drink.

The hair-brained scheme involved chartering diseased boats, paying for their conversions into a version of London & [ ] had, the Routesmaster, but this plan has already [ ] after pilot scheme revealed that customers were walking straight off the boat and into the icy currents of the Thames.

When asked to explain how the system might move forward as even be profitable, or perhaps to even explain the point, the Mayor who was at a self-promotion event, was found to be dithering, incoherent, and self-interested.

He said, “Well, the fact of the matter is that Londoners need to recognise our great naval history, rather than naval-gazing, and this will get the traffic moving while evoking the memories of Nelson and the like, "Huzzar!"

The plan joins a long list of bizarre concepts including the recently (cancel)ed concept of putting an airport in the middle of the estuary.

                                                                                                                          

WHO STOLE OUR

TWO MILL?

By Alfred Soames

Theft of over two million sterling in bonds from the secure vault of a Central London bank last night is looking eerily familiar to the bank heist last year that nearly cost the Chief of Scotland Yard his job.

Everything about the modus operandi suggests the work of the same gang, and that must surely have police chiefs sweating over their desks right now as both heists have failed to throw up any suspects, let alone arrests.

Forensic experts continue to be perplexed by the lack of physical evidence left by the thieves, a problem first mooted during the botched investigation into the infamous Central Bank heist a year ago.

Scotland Yard will privately be hoping for a better outcome from their investigations here but sources from within the organisation suggest that the outlook is bleak.

Nobody in the Police press office were available for comment.


Potential freezing spell puts

funeral directors on red alert

With the weather forecasters predicting a particularly fierce winter spell on the horizon, the new of the incoming frozen temperatures has left funeral directors up and down the country on red alert.

The expected sub-zero burst is likely to put a strain on the capacity of churches, funeral homes and crematoriums. This, allied to the habit of older people expiring due to not being able to afford the basic commodity of heating their own home, is expected to push the situation beyond breaking point.

Funeral home spokesman Steven Deadman said, “It’s not old folk’s fault, but they do drop like icy flies at this time of year. This backs the system up,as famillies may have grandma on ice for quite a while.”

A Tory spokesman responded rather freely to the potential crisis, saying “This is a problem that we inherited from the last government.”


Motocross bikers in fight to distance

themselves from scooter hoodlums

A recent upsurge in noisy bike riding around suburban areas on loud, Vespa type scooters are causing trouble beyond the neighbourhoods they terrorise - now the well-behaved experiments of motocross riding are having to weather a bad PR storm from victims of the noise pollution, who are mistaking one for the other.

The motocross riders are very upset about this as they ride on designated areas only, and are paying the price for a few rogue elements who are tarnishing their good name.

Michael Ducatti, spokesman for the Spokes Motocross club said, “It’s not like we rag our bikes around supermarket car parks. We just want to jump clods of earth, and instead we have to hear about those clods.”

                                                                                                                          

POLICE ARE NO CLOSER TO

WATERS GANG CONVICTION

  • Waters Gang claim Police persecution
  • 40 officers on case left empty-handed

by Richard Perryman

The infamous brothers known to the public as the Waters Gang walked out of custody last night swearing to clear their names in what has become a game of cat and mouse between Scotland Yard and the criminal underworld.


Derek Waters, speaking on behalf of himself and his brother, stood on the steps of the Scotland Yard building and shook his fist at the facade behind him, claiming that his family were the victims of a persecution campaign by senior police officers.


A team of 40 officers and administrative assistants has been working that out for seven months now, trying to piece together evidence that will lead to a conviction, but none has been forthcoming.


The higher echelons of Scotland Yard have been left reeling in the last two years as they lurch from scandal to foul up. It will be positively galling to the head of the Police as, upon appointment, he pushed a mandate of “good policework, high conviction rates.” The Chief will be under fresh scrutiny after their failure to achieve a successful prosecution of what they saw as a serious criminal enterprise.


The banking sector, and to some extent the

[not readable after this]


MYSTERY WOODLAND BLIGHT THREATENS RURAL HABITATS

[not readable]

                                                                                                                          

Waters Gang walk free - again!

The smile on Derek Waters lips said all - the smile of a man who knew he was an “untouchable.”


Despite overwhelming evidence, Scotland Yard were unable to secure a conviction against him and his brother for armed robbery.


A microscopic sample of DNA found on the inside of a Halloween mask was the cornerstone of the police case, but after Lord Justice [ ] Riley ruled it inadmissible, the case crumbled before their eyes.


Brian Waters, 37, younger brother of Derek, actually appeared to dance down the steps of the Old Bailey like Fred Astaire himself - knowing that he was a free man and that the careers of senior police officers were now in tatters.


The Waters Gang, as they have become known in the media, have long maintained that they have been the victims of a prolonged campaign of harassment from Scotland Yard, who refused to comment.


Memory loss man found out over parking tickets

A man who [ ] wandered up [ ] beach in Sheppey some years ago claiming to have lost his memory was exposed yesterday as a fraud after he was ‘found’ in house used the same [ ] to avoid paying a parking ticket - a fail [ ] [ ] [ ] his beach episodes.



Power failures talk are

‘premature’ according

to energy supremus

[Completely illegible]


Glass half-empty?

Moderate drinkers

have the last laugh

[Nope. Sorry again!]

                                                                                                                          

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